A Stupid President Saves Us From A Smart Warmonger


WELCOME, ONE AND ALL. TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I HAVE NEVER, EVER– I HAVE
NEVER BEEN MORE GRATEFUL FOR THE PRESIDENT’S PETTINESS AND
STUPIDITY.( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE TODAY HE WAS STUPIDLY PETTY ENOUGH TO SAVE US FROM A
VERY SMART WARMONGER. I’M TALKING ABOUT NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISER AND LAST WALRUS ON THE BEACH WITHOUT A MATE,
JOHN BOLTON.( LAUGHTER )
TODAY, WITH NO PUBLIC PREAMBLE, THE PRESIDENT TWEETED, “I
INFORMED JOHN BOLTON LAST NIGHT THAT HIS SERVICES ARE NO LONGER
NEEDED AT THE WHITE HOUSE.”( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND ANOTHER– ANOTHER GOODBYE! ANOTHER TRUMPLING BITES THE
DIMPLING OF DIRT.( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP GOES THROUGH STAFFERS LIKE A HIGH 17-YEAR-OLD GOES THROUGH
LITTLE DEBBIE SWISS ROLLS. WE KNEW THERE WAS BOUND TO BE
CONFLICT BETWEEN THESE TWO GUYS LIKE TWO RAMS BUTTING HEADS. IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
EVENTUALLY BECAUSE TRUMP WAS VERY DOWN ON OUR MIDDLE EASTERN
WARS, WHEREAS BOLTON HAS NEVER SEEN A PATCH OF SAND HE DIDN’T
WANT TO MAKE GLOW. IN FACT, TRUMP HAS LONG
COMPLAINED PRIVATELY THAT MR. BOLTON WAS TOO WILLING TO
GET THE UNITED STATES INTO ANOTHER WAR, WITH TRUMP SAYING
BEHIND THE SCENES, “IF IT WAS UP TO JOHN, WE’D BE IN FOUR WARS
NOW.”( LAUGHTER )
AND I’M ALREADY IN SO MANY WARS: TRADE WAR. CUPCAKE WAR. I’M IN A FLAME WAR WITH CHRISSY
TIEGEN, AND WORLD WAR II, WHAT IF THE
NAZIS HAD WON?” PLUS, BACK IN MAY, TRUMP SAID
THIS:>>JOHN IS A– HE HAS STRONG
VIEWS ON THINGS, BUT THAT’S OKAY. I ACTUALLY TEMPER JOHN, WHICH
IS PRETTY AMAZING, ISN’T IT? NOBODY THOUGHT THAT WAS GOING TO
HAP– I’M THE ONE THAT TEMPERS HIM.”>>Stephen: SO, DONALD TRUMP IS
THE VOICE OF REASON?( LAUGHTER )
(AS TRUMP) “JOHN, JOHN. YOU’RE TALKING CRAZY, OKAY? NOW, CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO
DISCUSSING WINDMILL CANCER.” TRUMP CONCLUDED, “AND,
THEREFORE– DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT– I ASKED
JOHN FOR HIS RESIGNATION, WHICH WAS GIVEN TO ME THIS MORNING.” OKAY, THE PRESIDENT IS MAKING A
SIMPLE STATEMENT OF FACT, SO IT’S PROBABLY A LIE.( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE 12 MINUTES AFTER TRUMP’S ANNOUNCEMENT, BOLTON TWEETED,
“I OFFERED TO RESIGN LAST NIGHT, AND PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID, ‘LET’S
TALK ABOUT IT TOMORROW.'”( LAUGHTER )
OH, JOHN! “YES, JOHN, WE’LL TALK TOMORROW. NOW, I WANT YOU TO LOOK INTO THE
DISTANCE WHILE I TELL YOU ABOUT RABBITS.”( LAUGHTER )
STEINBECK REFERENCE. THE ANNOUNCEMENT WAS A COMPLETE
SURPRISE, ESPECIALLY SINCE THE TWEET CAME ABOUT 90 MINUTES
BEFORE BOLTON WAS EXPECTED TO APPEAR AT A PRESS BRIEFING WITH
SECRETARY OF STATE MIKE POMPEO AND TREASURY SECRETARY STEVEN
MNUCHIN. OH, NO. YOU LEFT THE ‘NUCH HANGING?( LAUGHTER )
(AS MNUCHIN) “I’M SORRY JOHN BOLTON COULDN’T
BE HERE. JOHN BOLTON COULDN’T BE HERE
TODAY. INSTEAD, THE ROLE OF NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISOR WILL BE FILLED BY THIS TASK RABBIT I HIRED. FOR TEN BUCKS AN HOUR, HE GIVES
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVICE AND ASSEMBLES IKEA FURNITURE AND
TELLS US WHO TO BOMB.” BACK IN MARCH OF 2018, BOLTON
ALMOST WASN’T HIRED IN THE FIRST PLACE. APPARENTLY, MR. TRUMP HESITATED,
IN PART BECAUSE OF HIS NEGATIVE REACTION TO MR. BOLTON’S
WALRUS-STYLE MUSTACHE. IRONICALLY, WHILE BOLTON IS
LEAVING, THE MUSTACHE IS STAYING ON AS STEPHEN MILLER’S NEW
HAIRPIECE.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT’S YOUTHIFYING. TRUMP PROMISED, “I WILL BE
NAMING A NEW NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR NEXT WEEK.” WHO WILL IT BE? WELL, WE KNOW TRUMP PICKED
BOLTON BECAUSE HE SAW HIM ON FOX NEWS. SO GET READY FOR NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISER, MY PILLOW GUY.( LAUGHTER )
AND AS HE THOUGHT ABOUT DUMPING HIS CURRENT NATIONAL SECURITY
ADVISOR, TRUMP STARTED REMINISCING ABOUT HIS EX: FORMER
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR H.R. McMASTER, SEEN HERE SHOWING
HE’S WILLING TO SIT DOWN WITH AMERICA’S ENEMIES. BECAUSE IT’S BEEN REPORTED THAT
TRUMP BEGAN CALLING H.R. McMASTER LAST YEAR, TO SAY
HE MISSES HIM.( LAUGHTER )
(AS TRUMP) “IT’S BEEN SO DIFFERENT SINCE
YOU LEFT. NOW WHEN THEY SAY, ‘H.R. WANTS
TO TALK TO YOU,’ IT’S FOR MUCH WORSE REASONS.”( LAUGHTER )
AFTER DISPATCHING BOLTON TO THE WHITE HOUSE BONEYARD, TRUMP
ADDRESSED THE CONFERENCE OF HISTORICALLY BLACK COLLEGES AND
UNIVERSITIES. I DID NOTE SEE THAT ONE COMING. HE GAVE A MOSTLY ON-PROMPTER
ADDRESS, EXCEPT FOR A FEW UNSCHEDULED MOUTH DETOURS.>>YOU HAVE NEVER STOPPED
WORKING TO IMPROVE THIS COUNTRY– AND YOU– DER– THE
GOVERNMENT. YOU HAVE TO JUST KEEP GOING.>>Stephen: I THINK HIS BRAIN
JUST TRIED TO HIT THE BRAKES THEN SPUN OUT ON A
PATCH OF ICE. (AS TRUMP)
“YOU HAVE DONE SO MUCH FOR THHIISS DERRRAAAAUUURRRR…( LAUGHTER )
HAAAH… BRRR– JUST KEEP GOING. THEY’LL NEVER KNOW YOU
SNEEEERRRROURRRRAMMMM.” THEN TRUMP BAILED OUT HIS
SINKING CANOE, AND TOLD THOSE IN ATTENDANCE TO KEEP THEIR FEET ON
THE GROUND AND REACH FOR THE LOWEST STARS THEY CAN.>>NASA IS EXPANDING OUTREACH TO
H.B.C.U. STUDENTS WHO WANT TO BECOME SCIENTISTS, ENGINEERS,
AND EVEN ASTRONAUTS. I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE
ASTRONAUT. I DON’T WANT TO BE AN ASTRONAUT. HOW ABOUT YOU? DOES ANYBODY WANT TO BE AN
ASTRONAUT?>>Stephen: WHAT KIND OF
PRESIDENT ARE YOU?( LAUGHTER )
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! FOR PETE’S SAKE, BEING AN
ASTRONAUT IS THE STEREOTYPICALLY AMERICAN
ASPIRATION FOR GREATNESS. YOU DON’T WANT TO BE AN
ASTRONAUT? OH, I’M SORRY. YOU’D RATHER BE A COSMONAUT. I FORGOT. TRUMP THEN–
( APPLAUSE )
I FORGOT. I FORGOT.( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP THEN TOOK TIME TO RECOGNIZE SOME FOLKS IN THE ROOM
AND SOME THAT WERE NOT IN THE ROOM.>>I ALSO WANT TO RECOGNIZE OUR
TERRIFIC EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF THE WHITE HOUSE’S H.B.C.U.’S
INITIATIVE, JONATHAN HOLIFIELD. WHERE IS JONATHAN.( APPLAUSE )
AND I WANT TO TELL YOU, EVANDER HOLYFIELD IS A FRIEND OF MINE,
AND HE COULD FIGHT. YOU ALWAYS KNEW WHEN YOU WENT IN
THE RING WITH EVANDER, HE MAY BE 50 POUNDS LIGHTER, BUT YOU KNEW
IT WAS GOING TO BE A TOUGH NIGHT OUT THERE FOR YOU.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“HOLYFIELD GOT HIS EAR BITTEN BY MIKE TYSON. AND I TELL YOU, I KNOW TYSON
CHICKEN NUGGETS VERY WELL, THEY’RE DELICIOUS. WHICH REMINDS ME OF THE DENVER
NUGGETS. AND, OF COURSE, I HAPPEN TO KNOW
JOHN DENVER. HE WROTE ‘ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH’
AND I BET A LOT OF YOU OUT THERE WATCHING ME FREE-ASSOCIATE FEEL
LIKE YOU’RE HIGH RIGHT NOW.” TRUMP–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUMP ENVISIONED A FUTURE WHEN
SOME OF THE STUDENTS IN FRONT OF HIM MIGHT BECOME PRESIDENT.>>YOU ARE ALL GOING TO MAKE
BETTER DEALS THAN THAT. YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME WHEN
YOU’RE UP HERE SOMEDAY– ONE OF YOU OR TWO OF YOU OR THREE OF
YOU– AT DIFFERENT TIMES, OF COURSE. YOU’LL BE UP HERE.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“AND WHETHER ONE, TWO, OR THREE OF YOU MAKE IT TO THIS
INCREDIBLE SEAT OF POWER, I PROMISE TO SPREAD RUMORS THAT
ALL OF YOU WERE BORN IN KENYA.” THAT’S MY PROMISE.

100 Replies to “A Stupid President Saves Us From A Smart Warmonger”

  1. Stephen Colbert, he is a great example of a douche bag idiot whose stuck on STUPID! Stephen C and his network he works for as well as a dozen other American networks with late night talk shows and daytime talk shows and cnn and komo and ABC and so on. These dorks are so stuck on stupid it is not funny anymore. PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP NOT ONLY KICKED HILLARY CLINTON AND OBAMA AND ALL THE DEMOCRATS TO THE CURB IN 2016. PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP ALSO KICKED THESE NETWORKS FACES IN TOO. SURE THEY ALL HATED ON TRUMP DAY AND NIGHT HATING TRUMP AND TRYING TO HELP HILLARY CLINTON TO WIN LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL STEPHEN YOUR FACE GOT KICKED SHUT!!! AND WHENEVER YOU RUN YIUR FAT MOUTH ABOUT THE IN OFFICE PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP, YOU SOUND LIKE A GOOF IDIOT LOOSER WHOSE FACE IS KICKED IN, AND YET YOU STILL RUN YIUR STUPID MOUTH FROM IN YOUR GRAVE… BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP BARIED YOU AND YOUR NETWORK OF LIES… AND YOU KNOW THIS IS TRUE.
    WHO IS PUTTING MORE AMERICANS TO WORK THAN OTHER PRESIDENTS DID IN THE LAST FEW DECADES, WHO SHOOK HANDS WITH N. KOREA LEADER, WHO IS MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGIAN!!!!! THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS DONALD J. TRUMP TTTHHAATTS WHO!!! You gimp, you are so stuck on idiot stupid, it really isn't funny, you and the fake media, it shows how badly the dems ran America into the mire.

  2. Top picks for next national security adviser.

    1. Melania Trump
    2. Vladimir Putin
    3. Sean Hannity
    4. Jeanine Pirro
    5. And most likely and the person trump fell in love with Kim Jong Un

  3. Whoever the next democratic president it's going to be their national security advisor is going to be pretty ease with going into war and by that I mean it's going to be peaceful no fucking more wars.

  4. Has anyone realized that this is not the first time we've heard the demonization of Russia, but it may be the first time we've heard our comedians do it?
    I'm not buying it!
    The biggest threat to World Peace is the US Corporations that run the government!
    They Demolish our US environment for profit, and steal the resources of other countries, using our Military!
    Wake up!

  5. The democrats are the group that will get us all killed. Their strategy is to talk to them over tea while they take over the world.

  6. Tí be fair to Trump, his reluctance to start unnecessary wars over ideology is one of his few redeeming qualities.

  7. The reference to "two rams buttin' heads" is an incredibly old Exedrin commercials from the sixties, as I recall but. But, as always, funny.

  8. Mnuchin acts like he's the NSA as well as Dump's Chief of Staff. Why is he always with Dump lately? He accompanies him everywhere too, on foreign trips, everywhere; and he always has his creepy mug in the camera. I hate that bastard..

  9. A better literary reference than the 'rabbits' Steinbeck quote, would have been Captain Queeg's Caine Mutiny speech: "Ahh, but the strawberries that's… that's where I had them…".

  10. Trump supporters are bewildered, they were hoping the Trump/Bolton team would start a war by dropping some bombs on those brown people.

  11. Trump has been Anti-War since the beginning if you have been listening… Sad your pettiness, tribalism and hatred makes you what you are.

  12. How did he get from Johnathan Holifield to Evander Holyfield? Even the otherwise poorly functioning YouTube captions showed that one is spelled with an I and the other with a Y.

  13. Why would he want to be an astronaut, that would require courage and the thirst for knowledge. He is woefully underfunded in these areas.

  14. the tweet I'm still eagerly waiting for:

    "Folks, I was looking at myself in the mirror yesterday, and I took a long hard look at myself and said 'Donny, Your service is no longer needed'"

    Donald Trump fires the ultimate Trump employee: HIMSELF!

  15. Piano player’s pathetic infuriating off-mic Uncle Tom yassir suck-up comments must drive Colbert crazy – they’re always inane, often mumbled & he mostly completely ignores them but they cut across his timing & his laughs. STFU Jon! 😡

  16. What is it with America and rambling, incoherent grandfathers? If the next election becomes a Trump vs Biden race, I'll probably find a way to mute news coming from across the pond for a couple of years.

  17. This just in: Trump's "lost" birth certificate reveals that he was actually born in Peaksville, OH.
    His original name was Anthony Fremont. 😟

  18. Between Trump talking about how impressive his pal Kim is and Bolton's suggestion that North Korea take the Libyan approach to nuclear policy, I'm with Bolton!

  19. He's not that stupid to be fair!Pompeo next?Hopefully the Pauls will replace Bolton and Pompeo.Peace will be guaranteed then

  20. I called them like I sees them. Trump is right on this one good riddance to Bolton. Trump is still a quasi-fascist corrupt clown but that's not news

  21. I forgot about all the people that worked in the White House until someone brings up their names because there have been so many

  22. The so called stupid president is not as stupid as media tries to make people think!! He has his own methods…. problems with the world media is they are all owned by private individuals and share holders so they will do anything and say anything it suits them to increase

  23. Why do the HBCU leadership keep dealing with that racist pig? He doesnt want or plan to do anything to help and promote HBCUs, and only makes empty promises every time he meets with them. What the hell is wrong with them? He's a damn racist; they havent gotten the memo yet?

  24. The new advisor WONT BE A WOMAN, A WELL QUALIFIED WOMAN……Just another incompetent, impotent, self- serving man aka why govt. Is impotent. A sexually impotent ' leader' is a sexually impotent male , and an impotent male is just a wimpy boy.

  25. Well Bolton seems to have got the last laugh with a bombing of a supposed Isis stronghold after trump said Isis had been defeated. So why this latest bombing campaign?

  26. There must be someone left at Fox State TV who is even worse than Bolton. Rest assured folks – Trump will find him. His astounding knack of picking the most unqualified, the least competent and the bigliest bungler on the planet is second to none.

    All number 4 will have to remember that as National Security Advisor he’s not there to advise on National Security. He’s there to agree with every cockamamie scheme Trump comes up with and tell us all just how astonishingly superior his “very large a-brain” really is. Those are the only qualifications that matter to Trump.

  27. Trump should never have hired this Bolting warmonger. He must have come to the right conclusion. Fire the mustachioed. Good job.

  28. Steph – really I suggested you make a monologue without using the word trump – invent some mythical land where all this shit is going on. “Not so far away, in a once reasonable land …. “ give it to your writers….

  29. Apparently drain the swamp means give the leeches and catfish jobs and then fire them so they have to leave on their own for a different swamp with a box of stolen office supplies.

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